Grief Graffiti

It’s time for a recap. If you’re like me, anything you read in the first few months probably didn’t make much impact. This is for me, too. I forget as well.

There’s a difference between regret and guilt. Guilt is only for things you have control over. You did not have control over your child’s addiction or death. It is not your fault.

Anything you did not try, someone else I know did. It did not work for their child, and probably would not have worked for yours. Don’t blame yourself for what you didn’t or couldn’t do. You are human. You did your best. Failure to win is not failure.

You and your child faced an overwhelming adversary. You were a warrior against almost impossible odds, and so was your child. Be proud.

Addiction lies. Don’t dwell on the things your child said during withdrawal or drug seeking. I got this straight from my son and from other addicts. Don’t believe the lies of addiction.

All of our children were different, and all of us are different, yet you will see many similarities between how your child acted and the way our children acted. The similarities in the bad behavior and the bad attitude and the aggression were caused by the only common factor – the drugs. Those things were not from your child’s heart.

It’s OK to be angry. It’s even OK to be angry at your child for the choices they made. Just remember that at the end, choice was the one thing they did not have. Drugs change the physical and chemical structure of the brain. There is a point of no return.

It’s OK that you weren’t always understanding or maybe said things out of anger or frustration. We all said or did things we regret. Our children knew we love them. We stood by them. Actions speak louder than words.

Some days you will be numb. Some days you will be angry. Some days you will be fine. Embrace the numbness. It is protecting your brain. However you grieve is normal as long as it does not overwhelm your life.

Smile. Cry. Laugh. Remember your old life. Keep working towards your new one. You’ve struggled long and hard. You have earned your emotions, your memories and your future.

Other people will not understand what you are going through. Even other people who have lost a child to accident or disease. It’s not their fault. Just be glad they don’t understand. There’s only one way to know our pain, and I don’t wish it on anyone.

You are tired. If you are like me, you are emotionally, mentally, financially and physically exhausted. For many of us, our grief began long before our child’s death. Give yourself time.

It is OK to feel relief. I miss my son. I do not miss the addict. I do not miss the things I experienced during his addiction. I do not miss seeing him suffering. I am relieved that his struggle is over. That does not mean I’m relieved that my son is gone.

Lastly, you are not on this journey alone. There are groups of kind and loving people who understand and are here for you. Find an in person or on-line support group. When you tee comfortable, post your story. If you see a post that relates to you, join in. Whenever I post about my son, I am happy if someone feels enevertable to talk about their own story. I promise you that if you reach out, many people will reach back.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m sorry you’re here. I’m sorry I’m here, too.

But at least we are never alone.

~Susan Sek

(I highly recommend her book, “Welcome To The Tribe, Sorry You’re With Us“)