Grief Graffiti

Two years into this journey & I’m still battling the guilt. Maybe even more so now that the initial fog has somewhat lifted & hindsight is 20/20. It’s the unknown that’s the hardest. My son wasn’t found for some time & we still don’t really know what happened, who was with him or if/how long he suffered. As a mother I feel like I should have known, I should have rushed to his home (he lived out of State) the minute he stopped responding, I should have had someone break down his door. I should have saved him.

It’s compounded by the loss of our two family dogs this year in ways I feel I could have prevented. I thought I was doing better with this “guilt stage” of grief & was working through it. But now all the “why’s”, “what if’s”, “should have’s” & “could have’s” keep bombarding me & make me feel like I’ve failed as mother. Well intentioned people always say, “it’s not your fault”, but that doesn’t help when I feel like these things are. I know I failed & made mistakes. All I can do is try to forgive myself, but that’s a lot easier said than done.

(I posted this on our Helping Parents Heal FB page & asked for advice or counsel from my fellow grievers, as well as any recommendations of things to read on the subject. The response was overwhelming & I wanted to share some of them here.)

“Forgive yourself for anything you could have done differently. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.” ~Terri

 “I just read Fara Gibsons newest book, “How Do I Live Life When My Child is in Heaven? From Shattered to Healing”. It was a very new concept for me but brought much peace and forgiveness.” ~Jean

“Our counselor told us that guilt is reserved for those who willingly and intentionally did something to hurt someone. That alone helped me tremendously. You know you would have done anything to save him, keep him here, prevent his passing, so allow the sadness, grief, but not the guilt. I found meditation, talking to my son, looking for signs, talking about him, and remembering all the great things about him to be very healing.” ~Kari

“I absolutely loved the book “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine. I have read it multiple times.” ~Betty

 “I think it’s fair to say that most of us feel the same way. That we could have prevented it, that we could have saved them. That somehow we knew/should have known something was wrong. We should have known when they said they were happy and doing well, we should have known they were depressed and struggling. That, somehow, even though my son’s passing was totally unexpected and happened quickly, I should have sensed that something was going to happen that day. The sad truth is, we can’t change it, we didn’t know, we couldn’t have prevented their passing etc. My counsellor talks about survivors guilt and it’s a very real thing. We sit here feeling helpless, we sit here beating ourselves up because it’s hard to accept, it’s hard to comprehend they’re not with us. It doesn’t matter how old they were, how it happened, it happened and we somehow have to carry on. If our love could have saved them we would all still have our children here. One day at a time, one hour at a time. That’s all we can do.” ~Marie

I just finished listening to Larry Carlat’s book, “A Space in the Heart”. He talks about working through the whys and could have/should have feelings. You might find it helpful.I have always been what I call an unraveler, thinking of all the things I could have done differently as a parent for all my kids at all stages. I typically end up realizing that my ‘different’ might have been better, but it might have been worse. We can’t know the road we didn’t travel. It doesn’t mean I won’t have the same thoughts a day later it just helps me in that moment.” ~Tracy

“Guilt is a normal feeling in grief, especially for parents. I think that most of us feel a sense of guilt for outliving our children. It’s out of the natural order, and unexpected. It took me a long time to accept that my feelings of grief, all of them, would never leave me. I had to learn to live with grief alongside of love because my grief is a reflection of my love for my son, and that is never going away. Take all the time you need in your journey of grief and healing.” ~Camille

“I did a meditation while looking at my son’s picture and asked him to forgive me. It released so much. I know he knows I would have done anything for him, yet I needed that for me. It helped me so much.” ~Gertie

“I felt like this too when my daughter passed a little over two years ago. I have since heard from her, through a trusted medium, that we planned this life together, and when she would leave it, and there was nothing I could have done to change it. I have also had EMDR therapy for my guilt which has helped.” ~Therese

“What I’ve just come to realize is that going down the guilt road has become a habit for me. It’s been hardwired into my circuitry. After so long, it’s become entwined with the grief of losing a child, so that when I miss him, the guilt shows up automatically, like its just a habit now, instead of a genuine thing that I did that caused his death. I didn’t cause his death. I do have regrets, but that’s not the same thing as feeling like I caused his death. I’m working on untangling it, and letting it go. What has really accelerated my healing has been showing up to offer support to people in the earliest, most raw place on this road, rather than seeking it. I still come here to seek support, but I now feel like I can help as well, and that has made a massive difference for me. ~Trish

“I went on a retreat with Forever Family Foundation & found MUCH peace. The healing experience was amazing for my continued learning on communicating in a different way with my son. I met an incredible group of friends that I am still in contact with & it really helps. There were people at this grief retreat from all different religious backgrounds, but all wanted the same thing; questions answered, a way to learn to cope with grief when it smacks you in the face & also ways to raise your vibrations so you, yourself can have a “new” way to communicate with your beautiful child.I experienced much healing watching others healing too. Know that whatever happened the night he left is not affecting him now & he is at peace. Its just affecting you & your human mind, because that’s what our minds do. We want to fix everything (especially for our kids). But sometimes we have to tell our mind (the human part of us) to shut up & let the heart take over. Our hearts are full of love & love heals.” ~Sheri

“I lived with guilt for many years and it festered and ate away at me. I almost allowed it to destroy me, and then I realized I’m still his mother, I can be proud of him and change other people’s lives with his story. But the only way I can do that is if I’m able to overcome my own anger and guilt and self hatred. That became my new motivation and that also became my saving grace. It serves no purpose to sit here and fill the guilt and hatred. Yet it does serve a huge purpose to embrace the lessons and share them and that is how I got through it. It took me a long time, but instead of feeding into that horrible moment I now feed into the beauty of being able to change others lives.” ~Kimberly

“God spoke these words to my Mind just minutes after we got the news my son had passed and while I was weeping and screaming at God in my heart: “no man goes before his appointed time”. He had to repeat it strongly as I rejected it outright. Within a few days it was clear to me it was truth: we don’t control in any way the length of someone’s mortal life. That is much bigger than we are. I hate that it is true. But it is true. I still felt “what ifs” and guilt, but they held little weight after that. I eventually responded with the truth: “yes I played a role in his ‘leaving earth life’ story” and I accepted that, but it’s different than thinking his leaving story could have changed by my actions.” ~Carolyn

“Someone suggested that I write my son a letter and ask him if I should feel guilty about all of the things I feel guilt about. I started by apologizing, and I never even made it to asking him if I should feel guilty, because as I wrote, I knew he didn’t blame me. I knew he didn’t want me feeling this way. I am still new to this at three months, and I expect to have to write more letters as the guilt waves return. But it has helped tremendously.” ~Erica

“Unfortunately a certain amount of “mothers”guilt is a part of our process. But only a part. In reality, we couldn’t have changed the outcome no matter how hard we tried. I found the book A Souls Journey by Robert Schwartz to be extremely helpful. We all have exit points and our children just choose earlier ones than we did. But I have found there are lessons for us to learn if we choose and our children will help guide the way if we let them.” ~Vicki

“We had a ceremony and planted a “guilt tree”. My husband and I wrote down everything that we felt guilty about when it came to my only child’s death. Then we burned the letters and put them in the bottom of the pot where we planted a Japanese maple. Our goal was to bring something beautiful from the ashes of our guilt. The tree still grows in our front flower bed. When the guilt gets extra heavy, I look at the tree and touch it’s leaves and remember that Zach holds no grudges and God has forgiven. I need to forgive myself. That helps more than any book ever has.” ~Shari

“I remember reading about a son who was on the better side telling his Mom something like this: “I only died once, it was one moment among many. Stop reliving it and think of all the wonderful moments in my life.” ~Cissy

“My mom is a therapist and she told me that my feelings of guilt and responsibility are a trauma response. My mind believes that if I can make myself responsible for such a tragic and traumatic event then I can somehow prevent it from happening again. Having her explain it that way helped me to separate the feelings of guilt from who I am. It helped me to see myself and my son as two beings who interacted beautifully here on Earth as mother and son, and the feelings of guilt/regret are products of my human mind/ego. Not fact or truth but just patterns of thought created to protect me from future pain.” ~Brittany

“I recently found a new therapy called IACD. It has not only let me address the feelings but have better communication with my little one. This was a game changer for me. (IADC is a psychotherapeutic treatment for grief that has at its core the goal of reducing the intense sadness and emotional distress associated with grief and traumatic loss. When the grief-related sadness surrounding the loss diminishes, clients generally experience a state of calmness, openness, and receptivity.)” ~Betsy

“We also lost our family dog the within a year of my son’s passing. The healing advice I can share is to get a puppy. As mothers we enjoy the caregiver roles. My dog has been my biggest support system. Offering to me her loving, compassionate heart whenever she knew I needed it the most. Her eyes focused on me as tears filled and poured out. Words mean nothing when drowning in grief. Allowing presence of heart felt connection without a sound of a word. Healing is feeling!” ~Bethany

I’ll end here with this last response that sums it all up:

“I hear you, and I want you to know—you are not alone in this battle with guilt. It’s a cruel companion in grief, whispering all the “should have’s” and “what if’s” that tear us apart from the inside. And I know, no amount of people telling you “it’s not your fault” makes those whispers go away.

In “Grief Moved Into the Attic and Stole the WiFi Password”, Nelson Grey writes about the brutal weight of guilt:

“Grief doesn’t just bring sadness; it brings a full-blown courtroom trial in your own head. You become the judge, the jury, and the accused. Every decision you ever made, every moment you weren’t there, every possible alternative path—you put yourself on trial for all of it. And the worst part? No amount of evidence proving your love and effort seems to matter. You convict yourself anyway.”

I get it. I know that courtroom all too well. But here’s what I want you to consider: Guilt is not proof of failure. It is proof of love. If you didn’t love Tristan with every fiber of your being, you wouldn’t feel this way. You did what you could with what you knew at the time. And no mother, no matter how deeply connected, can predict the future or rewrite the past.

The loss of your son, and now your two family dogs—it’s too much, and I can feel the weight of it in your words. But you did not fail. You loved. You still love. And that love is not defined by the moment of loss but by every single moment you were there for them before it.

Forgiving ourselves in grief is one of the hardest things to do. But maybe the first step is recognizing that our guilt isn’t the truth—it’s just grief, twisting itself into blame.

You are not alone in this. I see you. I hear you. And I promise, you are not failing—you are just grieving. Sending you love.” ~Erik