Grief Graffiti

My second Holiday season without my boy & I know I can’t do the Christmas stuff & go through the motions. So again, like last year, I signed up to teach yoga at a retreat. This time I went to Fiji, & since I was going to be so close to Australia & New Zealand, I decided to tack on a visit to family & friends there. Not having seen most of them in over 20 years I was unsure how it would go. I was also scared & worried about being gone from work, home, my younger son & my dogs for that long a time. In the weeks leading up to my departure I often woke in the middle of the night panicking & wondering if this was the right decision. “What if my other son died while I was gone?”, “What if my dogs died?”, “What if I got no clients while I was gone & when I get back I’m broke?”, “What if the house falls apart?”. It all sounds so silly & irrational now, but these are real fears & sort of a PTSD I now have from the way I lost my older son.

But somehow I knew this trip was what I needed, and it was such a wonderful, beautiful & healing trip. A friend of mine in the Gold Coast posted on a social media page for our friends and family that I would be visiting & the outpouring of love and excitement was overwhelming. Some planned get-togethers, some invited me to festivals, camping, events & parties, and some even paid my way to visit them in outlying areas. I can’t remember the last time I felt so seen, loved, & appreciated. I’m so grateful to everyone who welcomed me into their homes & lives, going above & beyond to make me comfortable, & making it the most memorable, once-in-a-lifetime trip!

But it was also hard. Loss is always with us & there’s a layer of guilt that follows us when our child is no longer here to experience these things with us. Sometimes i don’t even want to be in this world without him. Australia was where I was when I found out I was pregnant with him. So the memories are strong there. Most of my friends & family there knew him as a child & we laughed & cried together as we shared stories of him. He loved to travel & often spoke of wanting to visit this part of the world. But with the felonies he had from his prolific graffiti, travel was difficult & countries like Australia don’t allow it. So going without him was bittersweet.

Feeling guilt when going to new places after losing a child is another layer of grief, stemming from a sense that we shouldn’t be enjoying ourselves or experiencing new things when our child is no longer present. Its Survivor’s Guilt, and the idea that I am still alive and able to experience joy while my child is gone can be overwhelming. There’s also a fear of judgment, worrying what others will think if they see me traveling & enjoying myself while grieving. I’m shaking my head as I write this as it’s so contradictory. It’s the crazy bi-polar feelings that don’t make sense. I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. But reading up on these topics helps, realizing that I am not alone on this emotional rollercoaster, and that this is normal, all of it; the fear, the anxiety, the stress & the guilt.

But after much contemplation & soul-seeking I have come to the conclusion that I am still alive for a reason. And I have decided that since I am still here here & my son is not, I am going to make this life what he would have wanted it to be. I am going to do the things he wanted to do, love the people he would want to love, & honor him by living my life to the fullest.I know it won’t always be easy, I know I will still battle this fear & guilt. But I hope that as I do more of it I will feel joy transcending these other emotions & that I will find peace in honoring him this way.

To honor you, I get up every day, take a breath, and start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile, and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love. I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, and sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So every day I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

~ unknown author