Grief Graffiti

Finding meaning in life after the loss of a child is an incredibly difficult journey—one that so many of us struggle with. Reflecting on it, I realize that finding purpose is something my child wrestled with, too. I remember vividly the countless times I tried to help my son through moments of despair when he felt that nothing he did mattered. He would call, heartbroken, sharing how someone he trusted—a friend or girlfriend—had betrayed him. He’d tell me he had “no real friends,” that his life was empty, meaningless.

I only wish he could have seen the love and gratitude that poured out after he was gone. I wish he could have heard the stories people shared—stories of lives he touched, of people he unknowingly saved just by being himself. It’s so heartbreaking that so many of us may never truly realize our impact until we’re gone.

That’s the story told in a new documentary I just came across on Netflix. “Ibelin” is a heartfelt, touching & emotional journey of how a human being can transform lives without even knowing it. It made me ugly cry, and yet left me feeling so inspired. The film focuses on Norwegian gamer, Mats, who was born with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy & eventually dies from complications associated with it at 25. Confined to a wheelchair, with only the use of a few fingers for most of his short life, Mats begins playing games online, joining a World of Warcraft community. With an avatar where he can do all the things he can’t in real life, he eventually makes friends & finds love, leaving behind a richer life than his family could have imagined.

“I put off watching this. As a father of three boys, I knew the story of someone taken far too young, and after years of a debilitating decline, would devastate me. It did. But it’s important to make clear how much this excellent movie isn’t about misery or pain. It’s about empowerment, empathy, and the impact we can have on one another, even those we never meet. You’ll cry. It’s worth the tears.” ~Brian Tallerico

“Between all the blockbusters and big budget films sometimes something so pure, honest & raw comes along that speaks directly to your soul. This is one of those films. A simple story of a boy, trapped in a dying body, who refused to let that define or break him. We all have a place in this world, and he found his. That’s the beauty of this film. It’s not about him, really; it’s about us, as people, and how each one of us matters. And that we impact others. Sometimes we know it, often we don’t, but in the end, we are all connected to someone in a far greater capacity than we realize. Your legacy will carry on far longer than your body will.” ~Matt Coomes

In the interviews with people who knew “Ibelin”, they explain who he was online and how he impacted their lives. There’s the time he wrote a letter to a girl he liked after her parents took her computer away, advocating the need for her to have that connection. Or the bridge he mends between a mother and her autistic child. Mats wasn’t just playing a game; he was living a life. And he was doing so in the kind of open, honest, empathetic way that we all should aspire to be more like in the real world. It is a reminder that we need not do great things to make a difference. Mother Theresa said: “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” Jane Goodall said: “You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of a difference you want to make.”

My son made a difference. Your child made a difference. Even if we couldn’t fully see it while they were still here, their lives left an undeniable impact. They touched the world in ways we may never entirely know—through moments of kindness, small acts of courage, or words that lingered in the hearts of others long after they were spoken. Their legacy isn’t measured by grand gestures but by the countless lives they influenced, sometimes without even realizing it. These ripples of love, laughter, and strength carry on, woven into the fabric of those they touched. They may be gone, but in the memories, stories, and lives they inspired, they live on.

“Thank you for making a difference,” says a friend at his funeral. Isn’t that what we all want someone to say about us? We sometimes underestimate the differences we make in this life, especially when we’re facing depression or just the difficulty of daily existence, questioning our value. Who knows how that random act of kindness you chose years ago altered the trajectory of someone you barely remember? Or maybe someone thought back to something you said in a moment of darkness? We think of being “there for other people” in big, grand moments, but it’s just as important to be decent, kind, and empathetic in our minor interactions in life. That’s what I take away from the story of Mats Steen, not a story of how a young man died, but a story of how we all should live.” ~~Brian Tallerico