Grief Graffiti

Everyone expresses their grief differently. Some people are introspective and prefer to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Other people feel compelled to talk about their grief because talking to someone gives them a sense of support and community. Some people may find themselves somewhere in between these two extremes. The point is, there are no rules about how much to share or what to share. It’s a matter of personal preference and what you feel comfortable with. However, no matter which end of the spectrum you find yourself on, it’s important to get your feelings out one way or another. Sometimes the best way to do that is to vent. Some days, the weight of grief bears down so heavily that we have to find some sort of release. I did that today in a private FB page for Helping Parents Heal & am sharing it here in case any of you relate. (By the way, I highly recommend this group for those of you grieving the loss of a child.)

I woke up this morning to screams coming from my sons bedroom across the house. Our little senior dog that we inherited when my older son passed last year was having a dementia panic attack. I rushed to the room & found my son in bed jerking & convulsing. (He has a history of severe seizures & I’ve almost lost him a few times.) I shook him, yelling for him to wake up, while at the same time calming the dog. Turns out my son was just having a nightmare. But once I knew everyone was ok I realized I wasn’t. I completely fell apart.

I go through most days holding it together, finding something to be positive about, focusing on that. I meditate & do yoga (I’m a certified instructor in both). But today it just all hit me full-force. I have read a lot about grief & realize I’ve had/have all the types: anticipatory grief, acute grief, normal grief, disenfranchised grief, and complicated grief. My oldest transitioned last year (Tristan fe27) but before this grief I’ve had anticipatory grief with my youngest who has battled depression & addiction for years. He’s the one I thought I would lose, not his brother.

Since his brother’s passing my only surviving child has sunk further into despair & self-medicates to ease the pain. He has horrible “survivors guilt”, saying he should have been the one to die, not his brother, who he feels was the more talented & capable one. He says I would be better off if he had died instead. He moved back in with me after his brother’s passing as his grief made it impossible for him to hold down a job to pay the bills. Since then he barely leaves his room & no matter how or what I do to help him he makes little progress. Just getting him to eat, shower or clean his room is an exhausting endeavor, often ending in me nagging or fighting with him. I’ve tried getting him to seek help & counseling, but after a few meager attempts he hasn’t continued to see anyone & says he needs to manage his grief his way.

When my oldest was found (after over a week of searching for him) his little dog was found with him, barely clinging to life. Chico has since become inseparable with my younger son, having severe separation anxiety when not with him, even for a short period of time. This is the one thing keeping my son going, this little dog who is so dependent on him, and he said he feels it is his duty to his brother to love this pup to his last breath. I’m grateful for that.

But the dog is over 18 years old, is suffering from dementia & other senior ailments & does not have long. Some days he seems like a young puppy again, while others he paces rapidly, has panic attacks & screams in anxiety. Those days are hard as I know how devastating this will be for us & will just add another layer of grief to the pile. I also fear that this is what is keeping my son alive & that he won’t make it through.

Grief can be so isolating, and lately I’ve been feeling judgement & hearing things that are said about me from family & friends. That just adds another layer to the grief, feeling like I’m not doing enough or handling these situations right. It’s overwhelming and debilitating.

I hesitated to post this, as I hate being negative or a Debbie Downer. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. Many of you have lost more than one child, and have lost their child’s pets already. I know many are struggling so much more than I am, and I have often found myself being the “strong one”, the shoulder for other grievers to cry on. But today I need someone else to be strong & I know that you, my fellow Shining Light Parents, will understand & can let me vent this & cry on your virtual shoulder.