Grief Graffiti

Today I got text from someone asking if I can meet with their close friend who just lost their daughter. She needed to talk with someone who had also experienced the loss of a child recently. Of course I said yes. But I really don’t have any answers, solutions or cures for this horrible pain. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time myself. How am I supposed to help anyone else?

Then I remembered when it first happened to me all I wanted was someone who had been there too, someone to listen & tell me they understood the pain, that this was normal. The best healing balm for me was talking with & being around other bereaved mothers, often with no advice or instructions, just the comfort of knowing they “get it”, no explanation needed. And I am lucky that I was introduced to another mother who lost her son only a few days after I lost mine. We have since become the closest friends & know we wouldn’t have made it this far without each other.

Early grief (first few years) is so hard as there really is no map or instruction book for it. Nothing prepares you for it. I spent many days Googling my feelings & symptoms to see if they were normal, to make sure I wasn’t going insane. This is partly why I started this blog, knowing that just hearing another parent’s experiences are similar to ours can be the greatest comfort.

I saw this post today & it explains this so well:

“Grief is not like we see in our favorite TV shows movies and books.

Death is usually part of any plot script. Soap operas, movies, hospital dramas, novels, crime shows and even comedies. You name it. Loss is part of every story line.

You know the scenes. Where the family is all dressed up in black. Sobbing. Watching the casket lower into the ground. Hugs. Seeming to grieve all in one day. Cut to the scene where the main character slowly strolls along the beach contemplating life now. Until the next episode or chapter where they seem to be able to move on and a new plot is developed.

This is not the reality of grief.

But if you haven’t lost anyone special in your life yet, what else can we reference? Sometimes this is all we have to go on. And it can make the process of grief even more daunting.

For example nobody yells CUT after the funeral scene. You find yourself “your new different days ” trying to figure it all out. Still in shock. Still expecting your loved one to walk right through the door. There is not time to organize your thoughts before you are back to work or school with people who thinks you should be over it by now. (Maybe they think it’s like the movies too).

Such a different world.

And dark. Even when the sun is out.

There is no perfect houses, hair and makeup to be seen like our shows on Netflix. Showers are now used for crying. Homes disorganized. Getting out of bed takes more energy then it ever has. Daily routines seem trivial when everything is different. Chores are done on auto pilot. You find the milk in the cereal cabinet. Keys in the fridge.

You try to dip your toes in this new world. But it’s icy. Unrelatable. Pretend smiles. Acting like you are ok. Small talk about last night’s episode of the Bachelor seems to take up all of your energy. Because who cares about these things right now?

So you crave isolation. Your real life is enough drama and emotion to handle right now.

Staying awake during the day and staying asleep at night is impossible. Your digestive system is wrecked. Your search engine is pretty much questions about “Is this normal?”

It is.

You wonder around in this unfamiliar, dark world. Not knowing who you are right now. You form a connection to the pain because grief is love. All the love building up we want so badly to express. But we are unsure where to send it. Feeling guilty to try to move on. Afraid of think about the past. Anxious about the future. But the present is so terribly uncomfortable. So we ruminate. Disoriented. Detached from the real world. Where people just go on with their mundane lives. And you just want to scream. “Stop! Don’t you know what just happened???” How are they laughing. Planning. Living???

So just know you are normal if you relate to all of this. This is real life that Hollywood only takes a sliver of reality from. Try not to compare. It is a daily process not an hour episode. We don’t get previews to what will happen next. It will take as long as it will take to grow a new story line. And you will. Grief is definitely character building. Plot twists will come out of nowhere. There is no script to follow.

Just your intuition, patience and adapting to the changes. Building life around your grief. Sometimes it will seem like it’s wrapped tightly around the pain. Some days it bubbles up to the surface. You are the only one who truly knows what this loss feels like so tread lightly.

Let go of those comparisons. Your story is unique. Your character is growing in the midst of feeling like it isn’t. Some day you will tell it to others. On that day you will see how much growth and healing happened even when you convinced yourself you would never get through this pain.”