Grief Graffiti

I am now in the “depression” stage of my grief. In the original 5 stages of grief depression is stage number 4. It was initially believed that people moved through the stages of grief one at a time, although that’s not necessarily true. However, it can be helpful to understand the characteristics and symptoms of this stage of grief because it can help you recognize some of the experiences you may go through. Harvard Medical School has diagnosed the depression stage as the longest & most difficult. They define this stage as:

“Depression is a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that often results with the loss of a loved one. While the earlier stages of grief help to protect us from the emotional pain experienced with loss, often these feelings are inevitable. Depression and sadness sets in once you accept reality. This is the longest stage because people can linger in it for months, if not years.

Symptoms of depression include:

• feelings of sadness
• loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
• changes in sleep
• significant changes in weight
• lack of energy
• feeling agitated or restless
• feeling worthless or guilty
• decreased concentration.

Similarly, Dr DePierro, Phd, assistant professor of Psychiatry at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, lists the symptoms of this stage as:

• Feeling sad, empty, or numb
• Feeling overwhelmed by the requirements of daily life
• Experiencing despair and hopelessness
• Sleeping or staying in bed all day
• Crying often
• Experiencing a cascade of sadness with every reminder of the loss
• Thinking that others will not understand your loss
• Believing that your grief will overwhelm others
• Withdrawing from other people instead of letting them help you
• Feeling tired and low on energy

But what I didn’t expect or understand is the anger & meanness that seeped out of me in this stage. I have found myself so short-tempered, so easily annoyed & irritated, and often lashing out on those closest to me. I’ve noticed (and he himself has pointed out) that I am especially mean & angry with my surviving son. There’s a lot of layered reasons for this, but the truth of the matter is he is also grieving. He is also in pain, and the last thing I want to be is mean to him. I began to research this & found it is actually quite common.

“In grief, we’ve already been hurt by a devastating loss and we don’t want to risk more hurt, so sometimes we become hypervigilant to any sign that another relationship may harm us. We get angry, cut people off, or are less forgiving because we don’t want to risk any relationships that might cause us more pain. And people really do sometimes do and say hurtful things in our grief because supporting a griever is complicated. And some people really are hurtful & harmful. But we really do sometimes react in disproportionately angry and critical ways. That’s in part because our brains/bodies are coping with one of our deepest biological fears – being rejected, uncared for, alone and abandoned. Suddenly things that, rationally, we know are not directly or intentionally hurtful or harmful can FEEL hurtful and harmful. And what can make us feel especially confused by our own emotions is that sometimes we realize that even if the person had done the opposite thing, we still would have felt angry!” ~Litsa, What’sYourGrief.com

Coping with loss can make even the most easy going person irritable – life just isn’t right anymore, and it feels like it might never be again. This simmering frustration with a new reality can loom in the background of everything you do, and consume a lot of your precious energy, leaving less energy and patience for others, and yourself. As a self titled Control Freak I know much of my anger & frustration comes from realizing I have no control in my grief. This realization does come with some relief, but when I really break it down & look for the cause of these symptoms, I’ve found that it stems from feeling helpless & out of control. As this psychologist says:

“Another source of anger in grief is the perception of losing control. The helplessness we feel when facing the finality of death can trigger a deep sense of frustration and anger. We may harbor anger towards ourselves for not being able to prevent the loss or towards others who we perceive as responsible for the circumstances surrounding the loss. It is important to remember that these emotions are part of the grieving process and are valid reactions to the pain we are experiencing. Anger in grief not only impacts our own emotional well-being but can also strain relationships with others. The intensity and unpredictability of anger may cause us to lash out at those around us, including family members, friends, or even supportive individuals who are trying to help. This strain on relationships can further isolate us during a time when support and connection are crucial.” ~Amelia Cambrell, Senior Psychologist, Counseling in Melbourne

Like so many of the other stages & symptoms of grief, the cure is in the acceptance of this phase & not judging ourselves. Western society and culture tells you how you should grieve. It’s insidious and subtle, but the instructions and latent expectations are there: “Grieve quietly and in private.” “Expect people to feel sorry for you and feel comforted in their sympathy.” “Know that people will only care up until the funeral or memorial service; then they’ll continue on with their own lives.” “Be gracious with people’s verbal fumblings, the empty phrases, and the Hallmark cards offered up.” “There isn’t room for anything other than sadness. Especially not anger.” But those who are bereaved, as I learned, can be really angry. In her book, “It’s Ok That You’re Not OK”, Megan Devine says:

“The reality of anger never gets any airtime in our culture. Anger is a response to a sense of injustice. Of course you’re angry; whatever has happened to you is unjust. Anger, allowed expression, is simply energy. Shown respect and given room, anger tells a story of love and connection and longing for what is lost. Contrary to pop psychology and the medical model, anger is healthy, normal, and necessary. Your anger surrounding your loss is welcome. It’s healthy. It’s not something to rush through so you can be more ‘evolved’ or acceptable to the people around you.” ~Megan Devine

While I know I should not judge myself & accept that this is part of my healing journey, I also know I need to do the work so that I don’t get stuck in this phase or prolong it. I also need to learn how to deal with this anger & channel it properly so that I am not hurting others in the process, especially my son. One of the keys is forgiveness. For myself & others.

“Acceptance and forgiveness play crucial roles in managing anger during the grieving process. When we hold onto anger, it can impede our ability to heal and find peace. Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of our loss and embracing the emotions that accompany it, including anger. By accepting our anger as a natural response to grief, we can begin the process of healing.Forgiveness is equally important. It involves letting go of resentment and releasing ourselves from the burden of anger. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the actions that caused our grief; instead, it is a choice to free ourselves from the negative emotions that can consume us. By forgiving ourselves and others, we create space for healing, compassion, and personal growth.” ~Amelia Cambrell, Senior Psychologist, Counseling in Melbourne

• Practice self-compassion: Cultivating self-compassion is essential in the journey of acceptance and forgiveness. Acknowledge that anger is a normal part of grief and allow yourself to feel and process it without judgment. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate the complexities of your emotions. Remember that healing takes time, and it is okay to have moments of anger and struggle.
• Reflect and reframe: Take time to reflect on the sources of your anger and explore the deeper emotions and vulnerabilities that may underlie it. Consider the perspectives of others involved and attempt to understand their experiences and intentions. Reframe your mindset by focusing on empathy and finding common ground, which can open the door to forgiveness and acceptance.
• Seek support and guidance: Engage in support groups, therapy, or counselling to gain insights and guidance on acceptance and forgiveness. Sharing your experiences and hearing the stories of others who have gone through similar journeys can provide valuable perspective and support. Professional help can offer tools and techniques to navigate the complexities of forgiveness and acceptance.
• Practice gratitude and letting go: Embrace gratitude as a way to shift your focus from anger to appreciation. Express gratitude for the moments shared with your loved one, the lessons learned, and the strength gained through the grieving process. Letting go of the anger does not mean letting go of the memories or love; it means releasing the negative emotions that hold you back from healing and embracing life again.