Grief Graffiti

I love poetry. A good poet can take a mess of emotions & put it into such perfect words, painting the pictures our minds are trying to form. When I found this poem below by John Roedel I imagined myself in each of the experiences, each one drawing me closer to my son, feeling him with me, on me, in me. It’s so beautiful to me because while the writer captures the grief of wanting his person back, he also reminds himself (and the reader) of all the signs – all the ways – that they do come back, and how that feels. At the end he says, “to be a watcher is the joyful work of a griever” and what a wonderful reminder that all we need to do is watch for their signs. They are all around us & in everything. I found myself reading the poem over & over again, each time feeling more love & more peace. I hope it does the same for you.

I don’t care what form you return to me – I just want you back

If you come back to me

as rain

          I’ll sit under your downpour and

become drenched in the memory

of how we first met

If you come back to me

as a western breeze

          I’ll lay down in a field and make a

hundred-thousand wishes as you blow 

dandelion seeds all over me

If you come back to me

as a cloud

         I’ll climb the highest peak just to

let you wrap me up in your 

misty-morning arms

If you come back to me

as our favorite song on the radio

          I’ll pull the car over immediately 

and let the music retell our love story

one 80’s power ballad at a time

If you come back to me

as an eagle feather

             I’ll let you tickle the inside 

of my fingers the way you

used to whenever we held hands

If you come back to me

as a light peeking through the trees

         I’ll stop walking to watch you all day

as you dance wildly among the pine needles

until your glow is claimed by the horizon

If you come back to me

as a hummingbird

         I will listen so quietly as you 

Whisper all the secrets of 

The afterlife in my ear

If you come back to me

as a row of goosebumps on my bare arm

         I will trace my fingers across my skin

Carefully so I can read the love letter

You wrote to me in spirit braille

If you come back to me

as a single fat teardrop

         I will close my eyes

As you bless the tip of

My nose with your kiss of peace

If you come back to me

as a twinkling star in the night sky

        I will renounce my allegiance

To gravity so I can rise

Up into space and orbit you

If you come back to me

As a roaring campfire

      I will stand so close to you

That the smoke of your presence

Lingers in my hair for weeks

If you come back to me

As the summer

        I will fall asleep under the heat of 

your green garden promises

you make me with your hot July breath

If you come back to me 

as the Winter

       I will exhale so deeply

So I can watch you 

Draw pictures with my frozen breath

If you come back to me

As a flower

      I will ask God to cash 

in my available credit and

Turn me into your honeybee

If you come back to me

As a picture in my phone

      I will pinch my eyes so tightly

it causes me to time travel right to that 

moment so I can tell you everything I never said

If you come back to me

As a dream

       I will put as many dream rocks in my 

Pockets as I can to keep me from

Floating straight up through my eyelids

If you come back to me

As a stretching strand of lightning

         I will stand outside

And wait for your thunder

To shake the cobwebs off of my heart

If you come back to me

As a heartbeat

     I will place my hand on my wrist

And feel you coursing through

My thin veins

If you come back to me 

As a passage in a book

       I will grab the fattest eraser I can find

And get rid of all the period so you

Can become a run-on sentence

If you come back to me

As an overwhelming wave of grief

       I will let you hold me

In your arms as I 

Cry on the floor in the bathroom

If you come back to me

In the eyes of a child

     I will give you a quick

Smile and nod as 

You start your adventure all over again

There is no dress code required 

   ~ come as you however you are now

No matter how you return to me

I will be waiting

Whether you come back 

as a piece of piano music

Or as a heart-shaped cloud

Whether you reveal yourself

As a morning songbird

Or a midnight candle 

I’ll be paying attention

To be a watcher is the joyful work 

Of the grieving

And when I see you

Oh, my love,

When I see you again

It will be like you never left

   ~ John Roedel, Upon Departure