Grief Graffiti

I don’t think we give grievers enough credit for simply staying alive. And by “alive” I don’t just mean physically still breathing, heart still beating. I mean alive in the sense that we’re moving forward & progressing. When you’ve lost someone, especially a child, you don’t want to keep on living. You don’t want to kill yourself, but sometimes the pain is great you want to die. This must be how people with severe depression feel & why they often self-medicate to the point of addiction. It’s so terribly hard. So how do we go on? One step in front of the other. One breath at a time. Sometimes that’s really all we can do. And I’ve gotten better at that with time.

But now I feel guilty for not doing more. For just going through the motions. I feel that if I am supposed to keep living, if there’s a reason that I am outliving my child, then I need to be doing more than just existing. I need purpose. I need to live a life that my son would be proud of. But how do you find that purpose & meaning? An article on the website “Grief in Common”, says it like this:

“Finding purpose can be a very healthy and positive step in the right direction for a griever. In his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl talks about the happiness we all think we’re looking for. In the foreword for this book, Howard S. Kushner writes, “Life is not primarily a quest for pleasure…but a quest for meaning.” According to him, Frankl’s three possible sources of meaning are, “in work, in love, and in courage during difficult times”.

It reminds me of what a widow once said to me. When I asked how she was coping after the loss of her spouse she told me that everyone needs, “someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to”. Focusing on what she had and finding purpose were the only things getting her through the difficult days of grief.

So maybe a goal to be happy again after loss doesn’t sound realistic, but what about finding purpose? As potentially idealistic as it may sound, it may be as simple as asking, “what’s going to get me out of bed today?” It’s not easy. Some may ask, what purpose could there possibly be, and what else could ever be worthy of the time and attention once put into a person loved and lost, and how could it ever provide the same satisfaction or fulfillment once found in being a parent.

Like a lot of things, this first step is the hardest. While most people would say they’re tired of being sad all the time and they’re ready for a change, most would be surprised to know how hard moving forward can be. And it’s not always for the reasons you’d think. For some, moving forward may feel like leaving their loved one in the past. It may feel disloyal, or some grievers may worry if they’re not actively grieving it means they’re not actively expressing their love either. The dark place of grief can become a surprisingly comfortable and familiar place to be. Moving beyond it can feel like a step into the unknown. That unknown could be a place filled with disappointment, or rejection. Or perhaps taking that step is simply more work or energy than a griever actually feels they have to give.

So again, the first and most important step? Deciding that you are ready to find purpose and look ahead. It doesn’t have to mean running onto a diving board and jumping into a pool at full speed. Maybe it’s the step we take off our chair. The slow walk around the edge of the pool as we try to gauge the temperature. Maybe it’s kneeling down and reaching our hand in first, just to get the feel of what it may be like. When you think you may be ready (and remember, there’s no right or wrong answer to when this is) then the real work begins. This can be a wonderful time of reflection and research. A chance to search for what’s out there, to talk to other people and find out…how are they spending their time? What is meaningful to them and how are they finding purpose? It can be a chance to do the thing you always wanted to do and never had time for. It can be the cause that you always believed in, or it can be helping people who have suffered in ways you can relate to.“

~griefincommon.com

This blog is part of my “purpose”, my way of “helping people in ways I can relate to”. It’s a baby step, but I’m still a baby in grief, and I’m trusting that as I grow I will take bigger steps, maybe even eventually wide strides. My dear friend, Rose, who lost her daughter a few years ago, said it so well: “You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can’t go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days. You go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage.”