Grief Graffiti

I am very hard on myself. I’ve always been. And I find myself being even more so in grief. Even in my early grief I remember feeling like I wasn’t “doing it right”, that I should be more anguished, less numb. And then conversely; that I should be more proactive or find more purpose in it. During that time I had a conversation with my brother about this and how I felt I was failing at this grief thing. His response was, “You’re way too hard on yourself! Look at you even questioning if you’re doing grief right!”. Since then I feel like I have learned to be more gentle with myself, knowing that sometimes just getting out of bed & through the day is a huge accomplishment. But as I passed the one year mark I felt like I’d “failed the exam”, that I didn’t really have much to show for the last 12 months.

Why are we so hard on ourselves while grieving? Gary Roe says there are seven possible reasons:

“1. Perfectionism. This loss is so painful and our loved one is so important that we want to get this right. We want to succeed at grief. We want to do well – with excellence. Of course, if we naturally struggle with perfectionism, it’s natural that we would struggle with this in the grief process too. The big problem is that we aren’t perfect. Not even close. We won’t “get this right” – because there is no definition of “right” in this case.

2. The desire for control. Loss throws everything into turmoil. Life is turned inside-out and upside-down. We feel so out-of-control that the desire to control something – anything – is natural and can be very strong. We start micromanaging our lives. We try to exercise more control over people, situations, and circumstances. Combined with a little perfectionism, the desire for control can catapult a grieving heart into decision-paralysis. Small, everyday decisions become solo climbs of Mount Everest.

3. Being super-responsible. Some of us are overly-responsible. In our desire to be trustworthy, competent, and highly dependable people, we can take responsibility for things and people that we have no control over whatsoever. In other words, we take responsibility for things we are not responsible for. A sense of hyper-responsibility can quickly land us in grief burnout. Our hearts have been hit and there’s less emotional, mental, and physical energy to do routine life (whatever that is now).  It’s all too much. Exhaustion is the result. Our feelers shut down. Numbness invades.

4. Guilt / Shame. Then there’s the not-helpful-at-all dynamic duo of guilt and shame. If we’ve struggled with this pair in the past, chances are we’ll be frequently assaulted by them on the grief journey. Guilt says, “It’s all my fault.” Shame says, “Of course it’s all my fault. I’m bad.” Guilt and shame keep us looking inward, replaying our perceived failures over and over.

5. Keeping up appearances. We try to put a good face on our pain. Who wants to stick out? Most of us want to blend in, especially when we’re hurting. And so we play the “I’m fine” game. It feels a lot easier than the other options. We’re designed for relationships and community. Who wants to be hurting? We want to fit in and be accepted and loved. So we fashion a mask to protect ourselves. No wonder. We’re vulnerable.

6. The need to be strong. Others depend on us. Others are watching. We need to be strong. Others need us to be strong. So we shove our grief deep inside, put on our armor, and pretend we’re something we’re not. Who wants to be weak? Who wants to be perceived as weak? So we suck it up and go through the motions. We feel we must keep it together and project strength.

7. Past pain, trauma, and wounds. Current losses surface past losses. Past pain, wounds, and trauma get triggered and hurl themselves back into our lives and consciousness. We can wonder if we’ve made any progress in life at all. The impact of past pain invading the present – on top of the current loss – can be overwhelming and paralyzing. We can feel worthless, hopeless, and helpless. Deflated. Disappointed. Depressed.

~Gary Roe, Caring for Grieving Hearts (garyroe.com)

The truth is that once I actually took the time to look back over this past year I realized I actually accomplished more than I thought! Again, just the fact that I am still here is a huge accomplishment in itself, but I was encouraged when I started writing down what I did this first year as it was a lot more than I thought. Here’s the highlights:

• Planned & hosted a Celebration of Life
• Hosted a memorial in Portland for his friends there
• Moved my younger son out of his rental & back in with me
• Started a weekly Grief Yoga class
• Started a charity to distribute water to the unsheltered (@DropsofKindness)
• Started this Blog
• Helped over 30 clients buy/sell their homes
• Hosted my first Yoga Retreat in the Carribean

Just looking at this list in writing makes me feel better. Because more than anything else I want to honor Tristan through my grief by helping others. Am I where I want to be with that? No. My longterm goal is to have a space somewhere near the ocean where I can host Grief Retreats & help other grievers. I get frustrated with myself feeling that I haven’t made enough progress towards that. But I am learning to do what I can where I am now, knowing the next steps will show themselves to me as I stay the course. And I remind myself often that I am doing the best that I can. That’s all I can do, and that’s enough.