Grief Graffiti

Today is the one year mark of when they found him. It was hard. Very hard. But not in the way I expected. I expected to be sobbing uncontrollably all day but instead I found myself extremely irritable, anxiety-ridden & angry. My younger son & I decided to do things he would have loved to do, like going to the Japanese Friendship Garden, eating Japanese food, etc. But as the day progressed & things didn’t go as planned I became reactive & we ended up arguing & fighting much of the time.

“Anger is a common and expected emotional response in grief. In life, we often get angry when we can’t control what’s happening to us. We have no control over death, and so it’s normal to feel anger. But it can be one of the most confusing feelings to experience at such a time. People expect to feel sad, lonely or tearful. But feelings of anger can leave people feeling anxious and as though they’re somehow not ‘normal’. Grief brings out anger you never thought you were capable of. Grief makes you lash out on people for reasons that may, or may not be related to the tragedy. It’s all a part of it. Grief means that your baseline energy is depleted, making it harder to keep your anger, frustration, and annoyance in check. Sometimes it just spills out in moments when, before your loss, you would have been able to contain it.”

~Jane Murray, MarieCurie.org

Thankfully, Troy & I get each other & are quick to apologize. In the end we both understood that this was just our way of processing our grief today. And we ended up making it a great day celebrating Tristan & having a wonderful dinner at a Ramen/Sushi place that one his friends works at. One of his other friends did a graffiti piece in his honor & we stopped by to pay our respects & dedicated the following words to him:

“I am a lucky woman. I will always be a lucky woman for having this child in my life. And I am a different person for having known him. 

Tristan, I will remember. I will guide others, speak my conscience & show your kindness & generosity. I will savor the aching beauty of the crescent moon in the night sky & pause to witness the patterns of the autumn foliage & the changing of the tides. When I travel far & wide I will sample the regional foods, use the subway & find those restaurants that only the locals know about. I will pray in the local worship houses, study the local crafts & check out their markets. 

I will continue to follow in your footsteps searching for opportunities for all those great new adventures & opportunities  for new knowledge. And I will be looking for you.”

~Lisa Shulman, M.D., “Before & After Loss”