Grief Graffiti

February was once one of my happiest months. My younger son was born this month & so over the years I spent much of it planning his celebrations. This year I hate it! I want to make it go away forever and not come back. I’d be fine with 11 months of the year. I’d be fine with renaming it. Anything but having to face the month my older son died. Yet here I am. facing it & trying to still find joy in for the sake of my younger son.

Because we do not know exactly what date he died, we only know he had no outgoing texts to anyone from February 7th, my younger son thinks he may have passed on his birthday. And he feels tremendous shame & guilt for that. I’m trying to redirect those morbid thoughts & point out various reasons I think he was still alive that day, but I’m not sure it’s working. Obviously I want to celebrate the day my younger son was born & give him a reason for it to continue to be a happy day for him. But I don’t know if we will ever be able to separate the two. How do I find joy in a month that brings such despair? Maybe it’s just taking it a day at at time & pretending to know for a fact that he was still with us that day?

“I grieve different each day. 

Sometimes it is fierce,

Debilitating and painful. 

And other days it is 

A dull, familiar pain

That buries itself within my bones. 

Each passing day 

Is a reminder of what will never be. 

So I grieve-

For the days you won’t get to see,

The moments you’ve missed,

I grieve- 

For the days passed since I last held you,

And the days left here on earth 

Without you. 

I grieve- 

Because I miss the sound of your voice,

And the smirk on your face

When you’d laugh. 

I grieve- 

Because that is the price we pay

When we love so deeply. 

Grief is a debt I will pay 

For the rest of my life. 

Until it is my turn to rest,

Eternally in Heaven, with you. 

It has been said 

That grief is just love

With nowhere to go. 

And I think they were right 

Because this grief

Sits heavily within me,

Constantly rattling my cage,

To remind me it’s here to stay. 

I will grieve for as long as I love you,

Which is 

Eternity.”

~Jessica VanNeste