Grief Graffiti

I knew this was going to be hard. All the first milestones are. Tristan was my purpose, my hope, my reason for living & breathing. What is the point of another birthday, another year without him? What reason do I have to celebrate it? None. And the thought of doing any kind of celebration nauseated me. But somehow I knew I would need to stay busy & do something in honor of the day, if only because he would want me to. I ended up planning a trip to Sedona with my good friend & fellow-bereaved-mother, Szilvi. I felt like I needed to be with someone who understood & who I could vent my grief with without filter.

It was exactly what I wanted & needed. We hiked to the “Birthing Cave”, a spiritual place the Hopi Native American mothers went to have their babies & that symbolizes rebirth. We walked the Amitabha Peace Park, a Buddhist Stupa sanctuary. I meditated & prayed, and I asked my boy to please help my find some kind of meaning & purpose in this life I have left. We also had massages & saw a psychic medium. Did I still feel sad? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. But did it feel right & good? Yes it did. And it gave me the peace I needed to get through this day. I even managed to accept some invitations to lunch/dinner, etc with friends, which ultimately made me feel loved & acknowledged.

One of the things I’ve learned in the journey of grief so far is to lean into whatever I am feeling & needing at the moment. And when it comes to special days, plan to be sad. Accept it. Make peace with it. Like this article says:

“The challenges of living and coping with loss can seem insurmountable on a day-to-day basis. Trying to get through life while being assaulted by a never-ending stream of unexpected triggers is something every griever can relate to. Still, there’s no doubt that some days and some dates are more foreboding than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and special occasions…not to mention the dreaded anniversary of the loss itself. When coping with loss, what is the best way to handle the days that bring with them the possibility of additional hardship?

The grieving process can make someone coping with loss feel like a pinball being bounced around without any choice of what will hit them next. And this topic of how to handle special occasions comes up a lot when I speak with those who are grieving. “Our wedding anniversary is next week, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it,” or, “This will be the first time I’ve had to celebrate my birthday without him in almost 50 years”.

Grievers may be more likely to dread the big dates as they loom on the calendar because they think, how can something that’s already so hard get any harder? How can I cope when I feel like I have nothing left to give.

The advice I give to most grievers is unusual, but simple: on those big days, plan to be sad. It may sound strange, because of all the plans we make in our life, planning to be sad doesn’t usually go on our to-do list.

But I’ve spoken to too many grievers who thought that if they just held their breath and closed their eyes the day would pass without notice and that they could get through it like any other day. And from what they’ve told me afterwards, they were wrong.

A lot of life is about anticipating, and planning to be sad means having a plan for the day. It’s not about dread, it’s about taking some control. And control is something most people who are coping with loss feel they have lost.

So what does planning to be sad look like? It means thinking about what will bring you some comfort on that day. It means either surrounding yourself with those who lift you up, or retreating to the place where you will find the most solace and peace.

This practice can carry over into the other days as well. It’s a reminder that you get to say how you do this, and doing what you can to surround yourself with what comforts and nourishes you can make a difference in how you cope.

There are no guarantees, and nothing changes the fact that these big days can make a hard time even harder. But no matter how you choose to commemorate it and no matter what step you take to bring some comfort – at the end of the day you will have gotten through it.

And for those coping with loss, getting through the day is sometimes the best we can hope for.”

~Karyn Arnold, Grief in Common