Grief Graffiti

The start of a New Year has always been something I looked forward to. A time to reset the clocks, turn to an empty page, manifest new & better things ahead. But it’s not the same anymore. I don’t want it to be a new year without him. He died in 2023 & I don’t want to have to now say he passed “last year”. Almost a whole year ago now yet it seems like it was just yesterday. A new year just signifies another year in my future mix of grief, longing and sadness. Another year of survival. I have had many positive moments and experiences in 2023 but this will never change. This is my journey and it continues to take its toll on me. I’m tired.

Last night was full of ugly crying and loneliness even though I had options. I just don’t want to celebrate this past year or this new one. It’s not that easy to move forward. But, here I am, just getting through another year one day at a time, the best that I am able. I look back on the last 10 months & I wonder how I have survived this long & how different it was in the beginning. Some days I feel like I have made peace with this loss. Then out of the blue I’m swallowed up in that early grief, that raw, all-consuming pain and tears.

But I also know, it’s going to be ok. Tristan said that to me often when he was alive, “It’s gonna be ok Mom”, and I’ve heard him say it so clearly a few times since he passed. I know he wants me to live this life to fullest & find ways to incorporate our beloved Holiday traditions into this new life without him here. I just couldn’t do it this year. Maybe next. In the meantime, I will pick myself up, do what I know would make him proud of me, something he did his entire life: fight, pick himself up and continue on.