Grief Graffiti

I did so well on Thanksgiving Day so I was unprepared for the crushing, debilitating grief & pain that hit me today, the day after. I couldn’t stop crying, I was just so sad. According to psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff, “putting up a false front and feigning happiness can be incredibly draining. This idea is shared by psychotherapist Dr. Richard O’Connor, who has a theory that we “arm” ourselves during the holiday period as a coping mechanism to deal with stress and difficult emotions and situations. Grief is so exhausting. The pain is exhausting but so is the happiness & laughter. Even if it is authentic at the moment, the “coming down” part after is especially exhausting & depleting.”

“I’ve called these “happiness hangovers”. What I remembered more than anything was the day after – when things were quiet again, and I felt a surprising sense of sadness, loneliness and disappointment.”, says Psychotherapist Diane Barth. “This feeling seemed to follow no matter how happy the festivities had been, how well the family behaved, or how badly things had gone. It was easy to understand my unhappiness if the day had gone badly, but as I came to understand, even wonderful celebrations can lead to a letdown when they’re over.Maybe that’s part of the problem. After all of the buildup, hype, and excitement, the big day has come – and gone. It’s over. 

“When something special happens, it gets the endorphins flowing through our bodies. We feel a natural sense of exhilaration in reaction to the flow of hormones and chemicals that our bodies produce in these moments. The “high” feeling colors our expectations. And then reality happens. The endorphins and other feel-good chemicals stop surging through our bodies, the high wears off, and we start to feel a physical letdown as well as a psychological one.” I’ve felt it important to not only recognize my ever-changing emotions in my grief, but also to learn everything I can about “why” & “how” these emotions hit heavier at certain times. Maybe because it makes me feel less alone in my grief. Maybe also so I can make someone else feel less alone in theirs.

When you don’t pretend to have it all together you find others who don’t pretend either–and they become your people. Because through sharing tears & hard truths you find your perfectly imperfect village.

– Loving Full