Grief Graffiti

Today is the first Thanksgiving without him. Firsts are hard as you just have no idea how they’re going to hit or how you’re going to feel. I know for sure that I won’t be able to do Christmas this year. I have spent every single Christmas with my boys, every single one for 26 years! When Tristan moved away & couldn’t come back to Arizona (as he would have to start his 3 year probation for Graffiti over again if he did) my younger son & I went to visit him in Portland, or took trips together for the holiday.

Thanksgiving is a little different. I haven’t spent a Thanksgiving with Tristan in over 5 years, so the holiday doesn’t trigger his absence as much. However, my family has always got together for Thanksgiving & I wasn’t sure I could even do that this year. But my younger son & I decided to host a dinner at our house for family & invited any of Tristan’s friends & crew who don’t have family here to join us. It turned out wonderful. His friends came & went throughout the evening, sharing stories, playing songs and YouTube videos of him and his adventures. We laughed, we cried, we took turns holding his little dog, Chico. It was just what I needed.

A day that’s supposed

To bring such joy

Is now so sprinkled with sorrow.

The plans we had and moments we shared,

Grief so painfully stole our tomorrow.

All these heavy milestones

Holidays with heartbroken undertones

But I’ll do my best

To remember

That your love will always linger.

That the memories live in me

That the love endures for eternity.

That you’re with me today,

And that no matter how I choose or

Do not choose to celebrate

Your love will always remain.

Our love will always remain

Even if holidays will never look the same

The love will always remain.

-Liz Newman