6 months today. It seems like so much longer, and yet it seems like just yesterday. Grief is hard to put your finger on, hard to gauge time with. It’s been some time since I last wrote anything on here. I have been learning to go with my intuition and what I’m feeling I need at the moment, whether that’s to do something or not do anything. And I just haven’t felt the urge or had any particular thought to write. But today I felt the need to note this day, 6 months into my journey. I will be honest and say it’s not any easier. It’s not any lighter. It doesn’t hurt any less today than it did 6 months ago when I got the call. In some ways it feels harder, heavier, more painful. Maybe it’s beginning to accept that he is never coming back. That’s it’s not just a bad dream. Maybe it’s that I’m just tired of being strong & I can no longer carry it as well. Maybe it’s just that I miss him more every day the longer it’s been.
Today his brother, Troy, and I celebrated him by going to his fav burger spot here in Phoenix, PV Burger. He used to walk across the street for lunch when he attended Paradise Valley High School & we’d go together as well as get it to-go often. I hadn’t been back in years, and going there today just felt right, especially after we found his etching in the window, still there since 2017! We took his dog, Chico, with us (who we just brought back from Portland) & know he was there with us in spirit. Sometimes these things feel inadequate, like his life deserves so much more honor than these mundane acknowledgements. But it felt good to reminisce & remember the good times we had together. Sometimes being back in a place where I was with him brings back memories I had forgotten or hadn’t thought of in years. That in itself makes it feel right.
“When I am gone, do not fear my memory.
Do not be afraid to speak my name or look through old photographs.
Do not be scared to play old videos so that you might hear my voice and see me laughing.
Do not be wary of visiting my favourite places or eating my favourite foods or singing along to my favourite songs.
I know it will hurt. Those memories will remind you that I am gone.
They will stab at you like a knife in an open, gaping wound. Raw, excruciating pain.
But after a while the knife will become less sharp, the wound will become less open and the pain will become less raw.
And those memories will remind you that I was here.
That I lived.
Do not reduce my life to my death.
Speak my name, hear my voice, sing my favourite songs and visit my favourite places.
Because that’s how I can stay alive a little.
Right here with you.”
-Becky Hemsley
Grief Graffiti 
Leave a comment