Grief Graffiti

One of my closest friends, who was there for me in my early grief, helping me with all the arrangements, traveling with me back & forth to Portland, packing up his apartment, picking up his ashes, planning & handling all the details of his Celebration of Life, etc. began to pull away once it was all done. When I asked her about it she referred to our mutual friends & said she needed “better friends”. I know I wasn’t always the easiest person to be around during that time, I was angry, short-tempered & emotional. I would sometimes lash out at her unintentionally when something she said or did triggered me. But we had spoken about this & I had apologized for it. She also apologized to me for any thoughtless remarks she may have made. Everything seemed fine. So I didn’t understand why she was distancing herself from me at a time when I needed her most.

Losing a close friend during grief is an incredibly painful experience. I always believed that our bond was unbreakable, that she would be a constant source of support through thick and thin. Now I find myself facing the added weight of her absence. It’s heart-wrenching to realize that the companionship and understanding I once cherished is gone, leaving a void that feels impossible to fill. Her absence magnifies the pain of my loss, reminding me of the fragility of relationships in times of vulnerability.

Like everything that has come up in my grief I researched & read as much as I could on it. Turns out losing friends in grief is very common. On the Facebook page I am a member of, Helping Parents Heal, this was a thread on the subject:

“Since my son passed three of my closest friends disappeared from my life. One reached out today to apologize, saying she had been so stressed with life and had been depressed, but wanted me to know she cares.” -Jessica T.

“The secondary losses we endure on this unbearable journey are devastating. I honestly felt like a leper as if my grief and loss were contagious. The hurt of being abandoned in your darkest hours is not something you can easily forget. You have every right to be angry too.” -Lou C.

“I try to remember and believe that people come into your life and sometimes leave but on a soul level there’s a reason for both. I also lost my best friend, after 32 years of being “sisters”, when my son transitioned without any idea why.” -Rhonda D.

“Sadly folks move on and don’t realize that we have a lifetime sentence. But I have been on the other side and not reached out to others in child loss like I should have. I hope they forgive me. People are flawed and life is messy. And grown ups – don’t all grow up.” -Stacey O.

“I was blindsided by these losses. In the months that followed my sons passing I lost my sister and more than a handful of dear friends. People I had always, always been there for. Those secondary losses really are like pouring salt in an open wound. It hurts deeply to be avoided, ignored and forgotten during the worst possible time in your life.” -Stacey O.

“I understand the pain and confusion when certain people don’t show up when we need them most. It hurts a lot. I give thanks for those who stepped into my life over the last two years and I choose to focus on those relationships.” -Sue D.

“It has taken me time, but I am over it. Those relationships simply came to the last chapter. I try to hold the beauty of the past and just be okay with now. It was very hard work. I say let them go in love. They have their own path. And finding their own way in grief. Someday, they will remember me & my son.” -Stacey O.

I also read the book, “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok”, by Megan Devine who hosts a podcast by the same name, has written several books on grief, & runs a grief support program called Refuge in Grief (refugeingrief.com). I really resonated with what she said on the topic of friend loss:

“Feeling abandoned by your support people is #PerfectlyNormal in grief. Despite all the comments about how “you’re not alone” or “‘I’m here if you need anything,” it’s amazing how many people drop out of your life in the wake of catastrophic loss.

People who have been with you through thick and thin suddenly disappear, or turn dismissive, shaming, strange.

This is one of the hardest aspects of #grief – seeing who cannot be with you inside this. Some people fade out and disappear. Others are so clueless, so cruel (intentionally or not), you choose to fade them out.

You may find that people come in and out of your life during this time.

There are people who were instrumental in helping me survive those first few weeks who eventually moved back into their own lives, their own needs.

They came into my life for a time, and then we let each other go. It hurt, that they had their own intact lives to get back to, but for a time, I was everything for them, and I knew it.

Good people will show up as they can, for as long as they can. That they leave is not a failure, even though it hurts.”

Megan Devine, “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok”