Grief Graffiti

When you lose someone, all of a sudden you have no choice but to live in a world you don’t recognize. It feels dark even when it’s daylight. Lonely even when you are surrounded by people. Only existing. Unsure of your identity now. You can see life going on right in front of you.You even try to reach out and touch that world. But you aren’t able to. Yet. People out there are just living their mundane lives and seem to not have a care in the world. You sometimes try to live in that world too. This involves fake smiles and pretend interest in small talk. It’s exhausting. So you choose to isolate instead. It would be nice to switch places with them. And not have your loss constantly replaying in your mind. All those anxious thoughts ruminating.It’s a rude awakening when everyone just keeps moving. Laughing. Making plans. While you are suspended in time. Just going through the motions. With a pain so deep that you can’t even exactly pinpoint where it is coming from. Invisible to others. But it’s there. And it always hurts.

People will say “they are always with you”. But where? It feels so long since you have heard their voice. You almost feel like you have been abandoned to roam this unrecognizable world alone. And on the other end, feel guilty for trying to move forward without them. Loss is this way. A big ball of tangled up feelings. And it takes as long as it takes to move through these confusing emotions. It takes patience. Lots of self care and being kind to yourself. Because grief is a lonely journey when you are the only one who truly understands how this particular loss feels.

Yesterday a friend asked me to reach out to another mother who just lost a child and was having a particularly hard day. She was saying she is done with the world and just wants to go be with her son. My friend said, “If you can just say a few words to make her feel better. You are so good with words.” I’m not sure I’m that good, but one thing I have learned through my own grief is that what we really need is often just someone to validate our feelings. I reached out & told her how rough my week has been & how unfair & too much to bear it often is. I told her that it’s normal to feel like that (wanting to die to be with our child is not the same as wanting to kill ourselves…if someone has thoughts of suicide they need to seek professional help), that she is not alone (she’s single & has no other children) & that we are here if she needs to talk, vent, scream, whatever! I said, “I know our sons would want us to support each other through this.” She was so grateful & is joining our little yoga group on Sundays, which I know will be a comfort to her. Grief is a lonely journey, but when you find other people who are in the same grief, it makes the loneliness a little less lonely.

Grief changes from day to day

“If you asked me how I was doing

I’ll tell you what I would say

Grief is really messy

And it changes from day to day

Some days I am wearing a coat with many pockets

Each one is filled with mud

And sometimes it feels like I am drowning

In a pouring rain-caused flood

Some days I feel all tangled up

Unable to break free

It feels like my sadness 

Is suffocating me 

Some days I do see sunshine

Amidst the pouring rain

And it has this gentle loving way

Of softening my pain

Those days are few and far between

They might never happen again

So I take each good day, one at a time

And truly savor them

If you ask me how I am doing

I’ll tell you what I’d say

I am doing the very best I can

With all the changes grief brings my way.”

-Gabby