Grief Graffiti

When we lose a child, it feels like time stops. But it doesn’t. Life still continues around us. There are 365 days to endure, the year of Firsts. I made it through his first birthday then only a short time later was Mother’s Day. People warned me that the first one would be hard, but no advice of how to get through it. I had to figure that out on my own. A mistake I’ve made in the past is putting too high of expectations of how I wanted these holidays to play out, and I was often disappointed. But I do think it’s important to create traditions that I can carry on & honor my son with for years to come. I also have a son still living & he wanted to celebrate me.

“Holidays Are Brutal. There is iust no getting around it, every holiday brings with it an extra level of pain to those in mourning. After all, holidays are meant to be shared with our loved ones. These are the occasions each vear when we focus on spending time with the people we call family, so the absence of someone so central to our lives is inevitably excruciating.And not just the holidays themselves but often the days and weeks leading up to a holiday can be particularly painful. We remember all the vears when we joyfully prepared for the festive day. Maybe we decorated with our loved one, or went shopping to buy them gifts, or simply enjoyed the anticipation of the extra time we were going to spend with them. Now that they are gone, we are instead anticipating an extra dose of anguish. How are we going to get through these days without them? Even simple holiday greetings can cause grief. People wishing us a “Happy New Year,” a “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Mother’s Day,” or a “Happy Valentine’s Day” can seem like a slap in the face, mocking our pain. Holidays can make us feel out of step with the rest of the world, and even more alienated from our community.

“There will be times when we wish that some of these holidays would simply disappear from the calendar and never come back again. After his wife Suzanne died, my friend Stuart and his children kind of wanted Mother’s Day canceled for everyone. They argued it’s not really a real holiday, most moms don’t need it, and it causes horrible anguish for everyone who has lost their mom. And yet the holidays can also be an opportunity to actively mourn our loss with structure and support. Celebrating holidays can bring us solace in the midst of our pain. I often experience intense anticipatory anxiety in the days and weeks leading up to a holiday. I worry about how awful I will feel waking up on the actual day, knowing I have to spend the holiday without Ruby and Hart. I can get so worked up imagining worst-case scenarios of unendurable pain that when the actual day arrives, it often feels relatively “easy.” I am usually surprised that night at how the day that I had been dreading had passed so quickly. It was, after all, just another day. Processing our loss through the framework of holiday rituals is an important part of active grieving These holidays help us stay alive and engaged in life. They are an important piece of continuity and connectivity.”

Colin Campbell, Finding the Words

In the past we always got together with my mom & sisters and celebrated us together with my sons. So I thought it best to keep that tradition. We chose the Japanese Friendship Garden in Phoenix as the location. Both of my sons were born in Tokyo, Japan, and Tristan loved the Japanese Friendship Garden in Portland, so we thought it was fitting. It was a perfect day, warm sunshine with a cool breeze, a rarity in Phoenix this time of year. We walked the garden, feeling his presence throughout the park. We laughed at the koi fish darting in & out of the water, remembering how he loved these fish, and held each other tight as we cried tears of joy knowing he was there with us in spirit.

We took pictures & noticed in every one a beam of light between my younger son & I (see top of page), which we took as a sign that he was there in the picture with us. I felt his love so strong today & though I miss him more than ever, I couldn’t have asked for a better Mother’s Day.

“On Mother’s Day, I can’t think of anyone more deserving than the one who had to give her child back to God.”

-Erma Bombeck