Grief Graffiti

I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding grief & how to deal with it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how I’m supposed to find purpose or motivation for anything again. I wish my job was busier right now & I had more to do. I don’t know that being home alone for days on end is healthy. I don’t want to build new neuropathways that I’ll get stuck in.

Road trip? With Troy (my younger son)? By myself? Do I rent out my place and go backpack through the world? I’m waiting for an open door. But where are they? Is it too soon? Someone told me that I shouldn’t make any life-changing decision while in early grief. But it’s so hard to just sit with it sometimes.

My body is giving out, finally. It was only a matter of time. Being sick is making me rest and learn to be gentle with myself. But I don’t want to just lie around all day either. Grief is incredibly isolating and lonely. Yet I also don’t want to be around people. It’s a Catch-22.

I miss him incredibly. I don’t know who I am without him or what purpose there is in anything. I hate when people say, “you’re so strong”, cause I’m not. I have no choice. I don’t want to wake up in the mornings, or get dressed, or eat, or work out..but I do. I’m just going through the motions. Troy said this is how he feels all the time. Empty. Pointless. I’ve never suffered from depression but now I am understanding how debilitating it is.

I know you don’t feel alright. I know life’s been hard and unjust. I’m sorry. It is what it is. Life is meant to be like that, losing people, you thought you never would. Losing yourself. I wish I could just take it all away. You don’t deserve this, none of this. But I hope you know, your strength won’t let you fall. You don’t even know how strong and amazing you are. You will find your light. You will find your sun. I promise, you will!

-Pooja Francis